Daddy blog #1: My precious hour

Hello families! David is 9 months old!

Minnie asked me to write an update for her blog this month and I gladly accepted. If you are a father reading this right now, I’m sure it’s because you care for the health and sanity of the most incredible person in your life. I tell Minnie all the time that I appreciate her more and more each day and I am amazed how well she cares for the most precious thing in our world.

David is now 9 months old. He’s starting to couch surf, make up his own sign language and babbles all the time as I patiently await anything that resembles the word “daddy”. For all you fathers out there, especially those that have a 9-5 job (at least on paper), I am sure we can probably relate with the struggles to find time with your little one. Well, here is how I handle it and how I try to help Minnie with Minnie Dave – as we call him.

David sleeps from 6 pm until 6 am basically every day. I usually wake up around 5:30 am, go downstairs and grab a 6 oz bag of frozen breast milk from the freezer, put it in a bowl and pour hot water in it and wait 5 mins before I put it into his bottle – and for all you mothers reading this right now, yes, I make sure that I shut the freezer door completely! I then run upstairs to turn on the bath, fill it up to just the right height and then head into his room and take a video of my little guy waking up. I don’t think there is any better feeling in the world than seeing how happy your little one is to see you for the first time in the morning. Next, I give him his bath, put on his diaper and throw on a shirt and pants – Minnie complains about my fashion selection every day but I think that’s part of the fun. Downstairs we go and I feed him while Minnie pumps milk. When he’s finished, Minnie usually finishes and takes over as I get ready for work. My last daddy duty each weekday is to put him in his upseat and strap him in for his breakfast. Then I say my goodbyes for the day. On most days, this is the last I see of my little one until the next morning.

Put up your hand if you can relate. Also, put up your hand if you realize how fortunate you are to have that special women in your life that sacrifices so much for your family and well being. I can’t express enough gratitude to Minnie for being able to know that I will get the exact same chance each morning to spend that precious hour with my little one.

I am on maternity leave #7: Thoughts after my first Mother's day

Hello families! David is 8 months old!

Mother’s day is special for all mothers, but especially for those that are having their first. I had a very special weekend with my family and it made me think about a lot of things. I thought it would be good to share what has been on my mind as a new mother since you may go through similar experiences.

• Becoming a mother was not just adding another identity, but rather it changed who I am entirely.

  We have many identities that represent who we are. My new identity as a mother has changed the rest of my identities in terms of who I am and how I interact with others. For example, becoming a mother made me appreciate my parents more. Becoming a mother taught me how to work together with my husband better, and it has increased my sense of belonging.

• Every moment with family is more important than ever.

  Time has flown at the speed of light since I had my little one. He is growing too fast. I am trying to cherish every possible moment with him. I believe that my husband feels the same way so our family time during the weekends has infinitely more value when compared to before. Weekends are too precious, I cannot waste my time to regret or blame. So, what would bother me before does not bother me anymore. I have learned to focus on the positive things in life. Life with my little family is perfect now.

• It was a bit sad to accept the fact that my little man is a separate human.

  One day before the Mother’s day was the day baby D officially has lived longer outside of my body than inside of my body. He became a seasoned human being. I am glad that he is happy and healthy with us and developing his own characteristics as a little human, but I need to admit that I was a bit sad.

•  I am not perfect, but I am still his entire world.

  There are many times that I felt that I was not good enough. However, my little one always looks for me and gets comfort from me. I know I am his world as he is mine. This has driven me to try to become a better mother. I know I cannot be a perfect mother, but I will be the best version of mom that I can be.

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There are too many things that I need to appreciate. I am thankful for my little family. I am thankful for my healthy little man. I am thankful for the love and partnership that my husband and I share.

Thank you, baby D! You complete me.

- Minnie

I am on maternity leave #6: Co-regulation | Why parents need to maintain a calm demeanor

Hello families! David is 7 months old!

First of all, I would like to thank all the essential workers and send my thoughts and prayers to those who are suffering and others who have lost loved ones during these unprecedented times.

I cannot describe how much I enjoy being a mother and watching baby D grow. He becomes more and more a little man each day. It is so funny that he has even started listening selectively. Oh! I cannot skip mentioning about solid foods. Baby D is a very independent eater. He does not like to be fed. He refuses food when I try to spoon-feed, but when I put his food on the tray, he gobbles it down. He is still developing his fine motor skills so after he finishes eating, himself, the table, floor, and even me, all are covered with food. Cleaning after each meal is a lot of work, but it is definitely an exciting experience when he tries new food and enjoys eating. On weekends, my husband and I try to parallel his mealtime and our mealtime so baby D can have experience of having a meal together with his family. We have started our new tradition: eating grilled cheese sandwiches (cooked by my husband) together on weekends. However, I have not been completely fine because of the COVID-19 pandemic. It creates fear and anxiety. Uncertainty adds more stress, as well. I believe that many parents feel this way, so I thought it would be great to share why parents need to maintain a calm demeanor while caring for their babies.

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Co-regulation

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Research has found that self-regulation is the key to success. For example, even though your child is brilliant, if he cannot control the temptations while he is studying, he would be challenging to have a good grade. This applies to the social world. If he cannot follow the rules and behave impulsively, he may not have many friends, and it could be challenging for him to be a leader. Therefore, many researchers have focused on self-regulation.

Self-regulation is not a thing that we are born with. When a baby is born, unlike in his mother’s womb, he needs to regulate his breathing, temperature, eating, elimination and sleep/alert. He also needs to control his emotions. In other words, he needs to be calm enough so he can meet his physiological needs. However, due to his limited ability to regulate himself, he requires having primary caregivers (in most cases, parents) who support this regulation process. Parents feed him, burp him and change him. Parents put on and take off his clothes. Parents walk him, hush him and rock him. While having these experiences, a baby gradually develops self-regulation. As your baby grows and regulates himself better, the need for your support decreases. Until then, parents have a crucial role in the development of their child’s self-regulation.  So, parents are the external regulator of their child. Co-regulation refers to this social process of regulation.

When parents are anxious and occupied by their own negative emotions (such as fear and anxiety), they can fail to regulate their own emotions. Then, these parents cannot function as co-regulators. Without primary caregivers who provide external regulation, their baby fails to regulate himself, which could compromise his development not only short term but also long term. Therefore, it is important for parents to regulate their emotions. Think of it as like wearing an oxygen mask on the plane. Flight attendants ask you to wear an oxygen mask first and then put it on your child. If you don’t wear the mask first, you cannot be well enough to help your baby. Regulation/co-regulation works the same way. You need to regulate yourself first in order to support your child to regulate himself.

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Stay safe, everyone!

- Minnie