Hello families!
There has certainly been a big gap between my last posting and this one. Life has been hectic; I went back to work and finally completed my doctoral study. We moved twice – and are expecting another move soon.
Meantime, David is now a 22 month old toddler. He loves leaves, flowers and rocks. We are working on gentleness, but I am just happy to see as a parent how he is becoming his own person.
At about 18 months old, I noticed he started “pretending”. One day, I heard the sound that he hit his foot on his toy train when he tried to sit on it. I asked him if he was okay. Then, he grabbed his forehead and pretended he was in pain. I believe that it was based on his desire to re-connect with me, so I gave him a lot of kisses on his forehead. Since then, I have witnessed this type of pretending occasionally, but I did not pay too much attention to it except that I think it is adorable.
However, about a week ago, I witnessed a more advanced form of pretending - lying. David has always been an early riser. He usually wakes up anytime between 5 am, and 6 am. When he wakes up just before 6 am, I consider that a lucky day. When he wakes up before 5 am or around 5 am, I usually wait for a bit instead of intervening immediately because he sometimes settles and goes back to sleep. This morning, I could hear his giggling around 5 am and then, he stood up and said, “poo poo, potty!” Although I was unsure if he really needed to go to potty, I took him out of his crib and put him on the potty. I could see the smirk on his face. He sat on the potty and asked me to read him some books. Then, he ran to his toy boxes. Was this his grand plan of getting out of the crib? He knew how I would respond to him exactly if he said, “poo poo”! Oh, what a smarty-pants!
I explained to my mother what happened and she started worrying. Yes, my mother worries about everything. She worries that David will end up becoming a big liar, and no one likes him or that he will turn out to be a morally wrong person. So I thought it would be good to explain why we need to celebrate when a toddler starts lying to those that think like my mother.
In order to explain this, it is essential to look at what cognitive abilities are required for lying.
Predicting and Inhibition
We all know young children can be very impulsive. They have difficulty thinking about what would happen after certain behaviours or stop themselves from the temptation. However, to tell a lie, children must predict different outcomes when compared to telling the truth, and they need to inhibit their truthful behaviours. So, it is required to have a complex cognitive process that involves executive function. Executive function is a set of higher mental skills that control and manage other mental skills. So, it is the CEO of our brain, and it is related to self-regulation.
In David’s case, he needed to predict different outcomes (my responses) when he says “play” and “poo poo.” So he knew if he said “poo poo, potty,” I would take him to the bathroom, and his goal of escaping from the crib would be accomplished. Also, not saying “play” or “toy,” which is truth (inhibition), would allow him to achieve his goal. Oh, my clever monkey! Even though telling a lie is morally wrong, it is a good sign that he has a seed to develop self-regulation.
Theory of Mind
When children are young, they are egocentric, which means they are not able to distinguish between their own and the perspectives of others. It can be easily observed from Piaget’s experiment.
Here is a video of the experiment.
Comparing the older child (the second child) who was successfully indicating what the adult can see by taking the adult’s perspective, the younger child (the first child) has not yet developed that ability. Due to this, the younger child thinks that what other people see, hear, and feel would be exactly the same as he does.
In order to lie, children are required to have the ability to separate their own and others’ beliefs, desires, emotions, and intentions. This is called “theory of mind”. Theory of mind allows children to see that others can think differently.
In David’s case, he knew that he wanted to start playing and start the day, but I wanted him to sleep a bit more. How sophisticated! He still needs to work on developing his theory of mind so he can fully develop the ability to understand others and be empathic toward others. However, it is a good sign that he has started developing it.
Agency
Agency has a bit of a different meaning in the social science field. Sense of agency refers to the subjective awareness of acting and making choices independently. “The sense of agency refers to this feeling of being in the driving seat when it comes to our actions” (Moore, 2016, p. 1). The important thing is that it is the first step in developing self-awareness. Moreover, due to the sense of agency, children understand that they can influence others and the world based on their actions and thoughts. It is particularly important to let them feel a sense of agency because it promotes social responsibilities, positive self-identity, and well-being.
In David’s case, he knew that he could influence my actions (taking him out from the crib) based on his actions (telling me that he needs to sit on the potty to poop). Although he has not developed how to make moral choices yet, it is excellent to understand what he can do to others.
As my mother worries, my husband and I will need to spend a lot of time and effort to raise our little one to become a morally responsible and emphatic individual who takes care of himself, others, and the world. However, I believe it is our right to celebrate each development as a parent and as a family.
So, let’s celebrate first when a toddler has started lying.
Good job, David! You are on the right track.
Reference
Moore, J. W. (2016). What is the sense of agency, and why does it matter? Frontiers in Psychology, 7, Article 1272.
